A Bonding Experience
by Agent ZephyrRowan MacAllister
Summary: When tensions between the staff go too far, Dumbledore arranges a little party to try and smoothe things over. Pandemonium ensues. My first HP fic.


Disclaimer: The Harry Potter characters belong to J.K. Rowling, not me. If I owned them, I would not be sitting around writing crappy fanfiction. Lupin also wouldn't have gotten fired, because he's cool. But I'm getting off subject. Redi-Whip belongs to…some food company. The same goes for all the other munchies I mentioned. "As Long As You Love Me" belongs to the Backstreet Boys (as if I would want it).  
  
WARNING: Beware of bad characterization! I also pick on Snape a lot, but it's all in good fun. I know I left out a lot of staff people, but oh well.  
  
A Bonding Experience  
By Agent Zephyr  
  
"I hate staff meetings," thought Severus Snape.  
  
Of course, Severus Snape hated everything. But that's beside the point.  
  
"Why did they have to hold one on the first day of Christmas vacation," he mused, "And where is Dumbledore?"  
  
He was sitting in the West Tower, surrounded by his fellow staff members. The room was silent, except for the occasional sigh of boredom.  
  
Finally, Dumbledore entered the room. He smiled at everyone. His smile was not returned. Everyone in the room was in a horrible mood.  
  
This week had not been a good one. The animosity between the staff members was almost tangible. All week long it had been the same; fight, fight, fight. The teachers were overworked and underpaid, and they had begun to take it out on each other.  
  
Dumbledore cleared his throat. "I suppose you're all wondering why I've called you here today," he said.  
  
"Oh shut up, you pompous windbag," someone shouted.  
  
"The reason you're here," Dumbledore continued, "is that the tension among the staff has gone too far."  
  
"What was your first clue?" MacGonagall asked sarcastically.  
  
Dumbledore smiled. "I believe it was when the food fight broke out at dinner tonight. I'm sorry I was late, but I had to extract a croissant from my ear."  
  
"At least you didn't get thrown into a pot of soup," Flitwick exclaimed, glaring at Snape.  
  
"As I was saying," Dumbledore continued, "something needs to be done. So tonight we're going to share a little bonding experience. We are going to have an old-fashioned muggle slumber party right here in this tower. And to ensure that nobody...escapes," he threw a pointed glare at several teachers who were edging their way towards the door, "we will be locked in here."  
  
The room erupted into shouts of "You can't do this!" and "Over my dead body!"  
  
"Silence!" Dumbledore shouted. As soon as the room was quiet, he continued. "And I will also need your wands."  
  
"You can have my wand," Snape said coldly, "when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers."  
  
"That can be arranged," spat MacGonagall, and the fighting resumed.  
  
"Expelliarmus!" Dumbledore cried, and immediately everyone was disarmed. He then locked the door, throwing the wands out before it closed.  
  
Silence descended on the room. Trelawney glared at MacGonagall. MacGonagall glared at Flitwick. Flitwick glared at Hagrid. Hagrid glared at Snape. Snape glared at everyone.  
  
"Lovely," said Dumbledore. "You'll be getting along just fine by morning."  
  
"You can' lock me in 'ere with these crazies," Hagrid pleaded.  
  
"Dumbledore darling," Trelawney said, "my tarot cards said very clearly that I would be spending the night *alone*."  
  
Dumbledore simply opened a cabinet and pulled out a bunch of sleeping bags. "Here are your beds for the night," he said.  
  
Instantly they lunged for the sleeping bags, and there was a tussle as everyone tried to get one that looked halfway decent. Hagrid "accidentally" stepped on Flitwick. MacGonagall ended up with one that was covered in flames and said "HOTTIE" in red, glittery letters across the top. Snape looked disgustedly at his, which was pink and frilly. The other teachers didn't fare much better. Dumbledore waved his wand, and a generic purple sleeping bag appeared. He spread it out on the floor and sat down.  
  
"We're trying to promote teamwork here," he reprimanded. "That wasn't exactly the kind of positive behavior we're aiming for."  
  
Snape's face began to twitch, and he developed a homicidal look.  
  
"And I suppose you'll need something to sleep in," he added. "Pajamaclothius," he muttered, waving his wand again.  
  
Everyone was instantly clothed in pajamas that matched their sleeping bags. Seeing Snape in a pink ruffled nightgown was too much for Hagrid, and he fell over laughing. Snape was about to attack him, but he was stopped by a look from Dumbledore.  
  
"Look at what you're wearing," Snape remarked evilly.  
  
Hagrid looked down to see that he was clad in a pair of fuzzy Teletubbies pajamas and turned bright red.  
  
"Settle down now, everyone," Dumbledore said. "It's nice to see that some of you are laughing. That's progress."  
  
Everyone in the room glared at him, and would have attacked if it weren't for the fact that he still had his wand.  
  
"But moving on to the next thing," he said. "Munchies are an essential part of a slumber party."  
  
He opened another cupboard to reveal shelves full of potato chips, candy, and crackers. A cooler near the bottom contained ice cream, toppings, and soda. The wizards stared at the unfamiliar muggle food.  
  
"Cheh-dahr and sow-ur creeeeeeeeeeem Ruhf-uls," Sprout said, sounding out the name on one of the strange bags.  
  
"What the hell is an M&M?" asked Snape irritably. "And why would I want to eat it?"  
  
"Well come back to that later," Dumbledore said reassuringly. "Right now, we're going to play a little game!"  
  
Everyone groaned.  
  
"This muggle game is called truth or dare," he explained. "This should help you get to know each other better, and build trust. Now lets all sit in a circle..."  
  
"Why not a square?" asked Professor Binns, as they all sat down.  
  
"Because," snapped Snape, "we have to do what he says if we ever want to see a paycheck again."  
  
"Now," Dumbledore continued, ignoring them, "we take turns asking someone 'Truth or Dare?' If they say truth, you get to ask them a personal question and they have to answer truthfully. If they say dare, they have to do something you say to do. Now, who wants to go first?"  
  
There was a moment of silence.  
  
"Fine, I'll start," said Dumbledore. He looked around the room. "Minerva!"  
  
Professor MacGonagall groaned. "Truth," she said.  
  
"What did you do for a living before you came to teach at Hogwarts?"  
  
MacGonagall turned bright red. "I...uh...wasadancer."  
  
"What?" Dumbledore asked.  
  
"A dancer," she repeated, turning redder.  
  
"Don't be embarrassed, Minerva," Dumbledore said. "What kind of dancer?"  
  
"I shouldn't have to answer that," she barked.  
  
"Oh, come on, *Minerva*," Snape oozed. "It's a simple question. Or are you hiding something?"  
  
Professor MacGonagall gave Snape a look that would have made anyone else burst into flames. (Un?)Fortunately, Snape is not easily combustible. "An exotic dancer," she said.  
  
Everyone in the room giggled.  
  
"Oh, I, uh, see," said Dumbledore uncomfortably. "Well, your turn, Minerva."  
  
MacGonagall scanned the room. "Sibyll," she said.  
  
"Truth," Trelawney answered.  
  
"Are you aware that your predictions are a bunch of crap," MacGonagall asked, "and that you are just a stupid-"  
  
"Lets keep these questions positive, Minerva," Dumbledore warned.  
  
"Take away all my fun," she mumbled. "Ummm...Snape, why are you so evil?"  
  
"Positive, Minerva," Dumbledore said. "And you didn't ask if he wanted 'truth' or 'dare'."  
  
"Fine," she said, rolling her eyes. "Truth or dare, Snape?"  
  
Snape looked at her suspiciously before replying, "Dare."  
  
"Hmmm...what can I do to Snape?" MacGonagall mused. "I've got it!"  
  
She cackled evilly, and Snape looked genuinely scared.  
  
"Ever heard of the muggle group called the Backstreet Boys?" she asked sweetly.  
  
Snape's eyebrows went up. "You wouldn't."  
  
"Sing," she said.  
  
"Dumbledore..." Snape pleaded.  
  
"We're waiting, Severus," Dumbledore replied, a hint of amusement in his voice.  
  
"Any particular song?" Snape asked sarcastically.  
  
"No," MacGonagall said. "Just pick your favorite."  
  
Snape stood up, giving MacGonagall the patented Snape "look of death".  
  
"Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine, I'm leaving my life in your hands," he spat tunelessly.  
  
"Lets see some enthusiasm, Snape," MacGonagall said wickedly. "You're not being very *positive*."  
  
Snape glared at her, then started singing in a surprisingly good voice.  
  
"People say I'm crazy and that I am blind  
Risking it all in a glance  
And how you got me blind is still a mystery  
I can't get you out of my head  
Don't care what is written in your history  
As long as you're here with me."  
  
As he got further into the song, Snape lost his resentfulness and started to have fun.  
  
"I don't care who you are  
Where you're from  
What you did  
As long as you love me  
Who you are  
Where you're from  
Don't care what you did  
As long as you love me."  
  
He started dancing. Someone giggled, but he ignored it.  
  
"Every little thing that you have said and done  
Feels like it's deep within me  
Doesn't really matter if you're on the run  
It seems like it's meant to be  
I don't care who you are  
Where you're from  
What you did  
As long as you love me  
Who you are  
Where you're from  
Don't care what you did  
As long as you love me."  
  
Snape was really grooving now. Several of the female teachers screamed like little teenage girls.  
  
"I've tried to hide it so that no one knows  
But I guess it shows  
When you look into my eyes  
What you did and where you are comin' from  
I don't care, as long as you love me, baby."  
  
He stopped and blew a kiss to his audience. Professor Sprout fainted.  
  
"I don't care who you are  
Where you're from  
What you did  
As long as you love me  
Who you are  
Where you're from  
Don't care what you did  
As long as you love me  
Who you are  
As long as you love me  
What you did  
I don't care  
As long as you love me," Snape finished, smiling as he heard the applause. Then the smile was wiped off his face as he realized what he had been doing. He scowled and stomped back to his seat.  
  
The mood had lightened considerably.  
  
"Excellent!" Dumbledore cried. "Everyone's much happier now. Your turn, Severus."  
  
****************  
  
A few hours later...  
  
"...and then my mom came home and caught us, and she was so mad that she turned the guy into an armadillo," Professor Sprout giggled. "Oh Sibyll, pass me some more of those wonderful Skittle thingies."  
  
Professor Trelawney threw her a small bag of Skittles, then went to explore the munchie cupboard. Dumbledore had fallen asleep about half an hour ago. Hagrid was having his toenails painted pink by Flitwick. Snape was eating Redi-Whip straight out of the can. MacGonagall was eating chocolate ice cream with a plastic spork. Binns was sitting around being boring, but after all, you can't expect a ghost to be the life of the party.  
  
"Hey guys, look what I found," Trelawney called from the cupboard. She emerged, holding up a 2-liter bottle labeled "Surge". "There's a bunch more of these in there, too."  
  
"Toss me one, Sibyll," said MacGonagall. She took a big swig. "Hey, this stuff is great!"  
  
She passed the bottle around, while Trelawney got the rest out.  
  
"Hey, lets do something to Dumbledore," Snape suggested, poking the sleeping headmaster.  
  
MacGonagall giggled and grabbed the nail polish from Flitwick. She carefully painted his fingernails bright pink, while Trelawney found some makeup. She used bright red blush, purple lipstick, green eye shadow, and orange mascara. Hagrid put multicolored butterfly clips in the headmaster's silver hair. Snape busied himself by filling the headmaster's hands with Redi-Whip. Sprout got a magic marker and drew flowers on his glasses. Then they retreated, laughing insanely, to drink some more Surge.  
  
***************  
  
An hour later...  
  
"Wow, this Surge stuff is great," MacGonagall said.  
  
"Don't hog the last bottle," yelled Flitwick, who was exploring the joys of bouncing off the walls.  
  
"You sure it's the last bottle?" asked Hagrid, crestfallen.  
  
"Yep," said Trelawney, "There were only 7 in the cupboard. So Minerva, truth or dare?"  
  
"This game is getting old," MacGonagall whined, taking another swig from the bottle. "Umm...dare."  
  
"Minerva, I dare you to...kiss Snape," Trelawney said.  
  
MacGonagall went over and planted a big kiss on Snape's lips. Sprout screamed. Flitwick bounced up and hit the ceiling. Snape giggled and blushed.  
  
"Hey, let's play 'Spin the Bottle'!" MacGonagall cried, grabbing a bottle.  
  
Everyone gathered around in a circle. There was a short delay as MacGonagall, Trelawney, and Sprout argued over who would get to spin first. While they were fighting, Flitwick came over and stole the bottle. The three female teachers stopped fighting, then sat down to sulk. The argument was forgotten soon after, however, since caffeine overdose shortens attention spans considerably.   
  
Snape spun the bottle, and it landed on Hagrid. The other teachers screeched with laughter as Snape jumped up and down, trying to reach Hagrid's mouth. He finally succeeded.  
  
Seeing her chance, Trelawney had stolen the bottle. She spun it very enthusiastically. It landed on Binns. There was a pause, which was filled with giggles from the others, as she tried to figure out how in the world you kiss a ghost. The problem was solved when Binns decided he'd had quite enough of their nonsense, and exited by flying through a wall.  
  
"Forget this game," said Flitwick, who was still bouncing up and down. "Lets do something more interesting."  
  
"Strip poker!" cried Snape.  
  
Someone found a normal deck of cards, and everyone crowded around as the first hand was dealt.  
  
***************  
  
Dumbledore opened his eyes slowly. The first thing he noticed was that there were bright blue flowers hovering in front of him. He yelped in surprise, his left hand flying to his face to smack at them. SQUISH! He was hit in the face with a handful of Redi-Whip. Looking disgusted, he wiped off his glasses on the sleeping bag. Unfortunately, the marker did not come off. He sighed and gave up, and moved on to remove the whipped cream from his face.  
  
Looking around the room, the first thing he noticed was that it was morning. Then he looked around the room. Surge bottles, playing cards, candy, and teachers in various states of undress were scattered around the room. Snape and MacGonagall were...entangled...in the frilly pink sleeping bag.  
  
"Good Lord," he thought. "Perhaps they bonded a little too well."  
  
He was about to roll over and go back to sleep when MacGonagall woke up. She yawned, stretched, and looked around.  
  
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek!" she screamed, noticing her whereabouts.  
  
That woke everyone else up. There were a few moments of confusion, and then everyone scrabbled around, trying to find their clothing. Snape looked at MacGonagall with an expression of total disgust, then scooted as far over to the other side of the sleeping bag as possible. Everyone turned to glare at Dumbledore.  
  
"This is all your fault!" screamed MacGonagall, who was struggling to get into her pajama bottoms.  
  
Dumbledore drew his wand in self-defense. At the same moment, Snape (who was still undressed) lunged for him. He hit Dumbledore, and the wand snapped with a loud CRACK! Everyone froze, dazed.  
  
"The door's locked," said Flitwick. "And...it's Christmas vacation."  
  
"Nobody knows we're up here," said Dumbledore unhappily. "And this is the last place they'd look for us."  
  
"Good going, Snape," said MacGonagall. "*Now* how are we going to get out of here?"  
  
Everyone attacked Snape. Hagrid attempted to pound him to a bloody pulp, and was close to succeeding when...  
  
***************  
  
Fred and George Weasley had decided to stay at school over the break. They were roaming the halls in search of new ways to cause trouble when they heard strange noises coming from the door to the West Tower.  
  
"Shall we investigate?" asked Fred with a grin.  
  
"Of course," said George, drawing his wand. "Alohomora!"  
  
The door burst open. The peered inside, only too see a mass of partially undressed teachers staring at them, frozen in place. Hagrid had his fist in mid-air, about ready to deliver another punch to a naked Professor Snape. Dumbledore's face was coated in odd-colored makeup, his hair was done up in butterfly clips, and his glasses were drawn on.  
  
The twins stood there for a moment, frozen with shock. Then they did the only sensible thing to do: they ran.  
  
"Wait!" cried MacGonagall, chasing after them while pulling on the top to her "HOTTIE" pajamas. "I can explain everything!"  
  
The rest of the teachers just sat there. Dumbledore cleared his throat.  
  
"Well," he said. "I think that party was a success."  
  
The other teachers simply stared at the headmaster for a moment. Then they tackled him.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Oh my...that was insane. Did I write that? I plead insanity. Oh well. Please review!  



End file.
